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My · life · is · unsubstantiated · evidence · in · a · court · case
Build a bridge. Get over it.
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I have absolutely no idea. But it is not cool, not fun, probably a little stupid, too. Maybe I am just dumb. Or am masochistic. or something. I think my life is not my life if I am not enveloped in darkness. That something is uncharacteristically wrong if I am happy. That whenever I am happy, I should not expect it to last for very long. Also that I should expect that it will be worse when things go to shit again. So I admit it. I am a depressed person. I get sad easily, and I do not recover from it. I dwell on bad things. Overthink them. Analyse things about situations that don't exist. Prepare for the worst and expect it to happen. In a funk: I only think about the bad things in my life, and how I am unable to change them. I think about those things over which I have no control, and cry because I have to just deal with it somehow. Even though, half the time I'm crying because I don't know how to deal with anything. I draw away from the world, crawl into the safety zone of myself. I shut people out because I can't fake emotions anymore. Because I don't have the energy to tell them what I really think. I also don't have the energy to explain why I think that, or why I feel the way that I do. Because I don't have the heart to tell you that if you haven't been depressed, you have absolutely NO idea what it's like. If you've never seen those demons in your head, you can't possibly tell me how to ignore them. Because they are demons. And it is not just mind over matter. Depression is like a blanket that sweeps over you, holding you down. Something with incredible weight....all the bad things in your life. And though you can still see the world, and pretend that you're a part of it, you still have this weight covering you, holding your hands and your legs. It covers your mind and blocks anything coming in. If you don't know this...you can't possibly imagine how much strength it takes to get out of bed. And you choose your mask. And you wear that mask all the time. All. the. time. You make sure your inner circle is empty. Don't let anyone get too close. Because then you have to upgrade the mask. And it's so much work. It's hard to wear the mask....even harder to explain it. There are others who know. They've seen their own demons and know. You can see it in their faces, the way they speak, how they treat you. Sometimes it's what they don't say. Or what you don't say to them. But you don't have to explain that. And then there are some...who are lucky enough to never know. You can tell, by the way they speak, the questions they ask, the ears and shoulders they offer. The 'solutions' come from these people. They may think they can fix you, or, at the very least, that they can help. I'll let you in on a little secret: There is no help. There are no solutions, only bandaids. and if you could see how useless those bandaids are, you might be a little embarrassed for yourself. You can't fix us. When you don't understand....it's probably because I don't want you to. I don't have the patience, or the extra masks, to try to explain something that you won't understand. I especially don't have the energy to talk in circles and have you still trying to fix things that can't be fixed. Aurora is going away this week. Tucked away for the winter. sigh. I will miss her. My dad is excited about doing it....He's never had a car good enough to warrant putting it away for the winter. So he's got tons of tips, and is getting everything all sorted for me. So yay. I got what I have now dubbed the "hini" (pronounced hee-nee) flu. For every day of fever, expect a WEEK of lingering, non-productive, but sometime sounds productive cough. It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. Just breathe deeply and hope you don't get pneumonia. woohoo? Feck. Another 6 days of this crap and then I can fill a prescription for a corticosteroid inhaler. Holy crap. But my stomach muscles will be TONED. Was off work for a week. Wished that I didn't get sick....cus I'd rather be at work than home with that bullcrap, where you can't do anything but read. And then you run out of books in your library and have tons of time to think. At least it was only sick, incoherent thinking....mostly. I am struggling in band, and now I cannot breathe. Not good for practice time when I play a WOODWIND intstrument. Almost feel like my life is a country song. I keep waiting for my dog to get run over.
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sleeping |
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That chocolate is not a great pick me up....and you get to feel shitty about the fat you just added to your middle. That computer games make my right index finger hurt, and they do nothing to occupy a mind that needs to be occupied. Sudoku games are even worse for me. Because I can pretty much see the finished puzzle when I start, so it's really more a matter of filling in the squares. Which, for the record, takes absolutely no thought whatsoever. Music makes me actually listen to the sappy/sad/happy about a boy lyrics, and reminds me why I feel so shitty. Today, not even Dierks Bentley's Free and Easy could cheer me up. Keeping myself away from my housemates because I am not close enough to share my problems with them, just makes me feel that much more lonely cus I'm spending all my time cooped up in my room. I can't find the energy to practice my clarinet....even though looking at it sitting on the floor automatically makes me feel guilty for not actually playing it. And of course I will suck this week at band practice. But also, I do not wish to play, and be critiqued by a room mate who once played the clarinet. I can't play the guitar because it only reminds me of my failed relationship. You know, the one where he was teaching me to learn the guitar. I can't read too much...cus my eyes start to hurt after a while. Because a: i'm currently into the complete works of Jane Austen, and b: I am blind enough that I can't read without the glasses, and my eyes are so different from one another, that one feels like it's straining, and the other is lazy. But we just can't fix that at the moment. So I must deal. And hate it. My one t.v. addiction is Alias, of which I have the first 3 seasons. But I have no money, and Christmas is not that far away, so they are the only thing on my list, and I will have to wait for the last 3 seasons. In the meantime, I will watch these over and over and over again. And get addicted. Every time. Every episode. So that I cannot watch just one episode. I have to keep going because of the suspense, and then because of the cliffhanger endings, that is just easier to go to the next one than it is to just go to bed. So now I don't sleep. And I'm tired and cranky at work. And I really hate my job. And when we're not busy, I have time to think about things that I REALLY want to keep from the forefront of my brain. And we're not really that busy. So I'm dwelling on the past. And how I contributed to my own ...demise. How I kind of deserved this. And then how worthless I feel. And all the ridiculousness that comes from someone you were dating telling you that they just don't love you. Then they say they care about you, but conveniently forget about you, and don't have time to even acknowledge a freaking facebook message. So you conclude that they really must not have loved you, if they don't even care enough about your wellbeing to continue being civil to you. A simple, 'thanks for letting me know, and I'm glad you're free from STI's. Sorry for freaking you out about that.' would have been nice. Decent. The longer this guy ignores me, the more inclined I am to disliking him. I can't say hate yet....because I'm sure it is entirely possible to feel more negatively towards him. Maybe we'll still get to that. Instead, he tortures me still. From afar, with no contact. Just to reassure me that when I initially thought that I wasn't good enough for him, I might have been right. I was an idiot for thinking that it might not be horrible. Or that maybe I was getting over him. And those thoughts just creep back into my subconscious. I don't want to get into bed, because I know that I'm going to cry myself to sleep. And wake up tomorrow groggy, and so full of pain. It's a self perpetuating cycle. And I can't get myself out of it. And I can't ask for anyones' help.
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Or, that what I'm trying to survive isn't the collapse itself. Life is hard at the moment. It's difficult for me to be inspired by anything. I dislike my job, wish I made the money that I deserve for what I do, but more wish that I had a job that I liked more. But, in my mid-twenties crisis, have discovered that I have no idea what I'd rather be doing. I think about Masters' studies, that I should do that because it's a good step when you have no idea what else to do. But it doesn't really interest me, it's just something to do to make myself more hire-able. For what, I have no idea, but that is what society teaches us: Go to school and you will get a good job. Go to more school, and get a better job. I just want a job that I like. I don't care how much (or little) money I make, I just want to be satisfied that I'm doing something I think is worthwhile. But I have not the first clue as to what could satisfy me like that. Some of my friends are off in far-away places, some not so far, but not close enough to see often. Then others who are close, but who do not have much time to spare at the moment, because they are busy in their jobs/schooling or whatever else their lives demand of them.
Or even others whom I desperately want to have around, to talk to, to open up to, but I have no idea how to begin this, at least on a face to face basis. Laying out your heart over MSN doesn't always have the needed release: ie. a hug. Virtual hugs, while welcome, are just not the same thing. I also feel like I don't have any choice on how to spend my weekends. And so, because of my animals, my pets, I travel to my parents' every weekend, to work. To do whatever they wish of me, because I feel guilty that I cannot take care of them myself, and that they belong in the country. *horses don't fit in my backyard, the size of a postage stamp.*
And invariably, that turns to them making me feel MORE guilty, that I am not around more, and can't do more than I already do. And every time I am up there, I, like everyone else, get overwhelmed by all that needs to be done ALL the time. The maintenance list is long enough so that it almost takes up all the time we have to get things done. Feels like we're always running behind and we'll never get things straight. And I can't change enough, because I don't live there.
And so long as my parents are living there, I feel like it isn't my home. I don't really live there anymore. I feel like a visitor there now, and I don't even have my own bed to sleep in. My stuff has been in boxes for 2 years, in a closet. And that is all the space I have right now.
But on the other hand, I don't want to live there so long as my dad still lives there. It's still their house, until they move out. And they're not going anywhere any time soon. Unless we build a little cottage on the property somewhere. But then, maybe I'd rather live in the little cottage than live in the big house anyways. Because the homestead is old. And the basement sucks, and there is still lathe and plaster on some of the walls. It's cold in the winter, and cold cold in the summer. When the wind blows from the south, the kitchen smells like something died in one of the walls. We live in a state of constant renovation and there are contruction pieces and tools all over the place. And nothing gets finished. Except the dining room. There is clutter EVERYWHERE, and my mother can't stand to part with anything.
The horses are pretty much wild pets, because we hardly ever ride them. Because I'm not there to train them. I don't have enough time to train them all. We got too many of them before we knew enough about horse ownership to be able to take care of them. And now they are aging, and they are part of the family...so we can't just get rid of them. So we continue to do all these things for them, even though we are getting no pleasure out of actually using them for anything worthwhile. Because now, since it has been so long since we've really done anything with them, it would be so difficult to do anything with them, and almost impossible to do anything alone. And there's never enough help...to do exactly what is needed. So we don't do anything, and just pat them and feed them and clean up after them and keep them healthy, and their feet trimmed (which we do ourselves...and it is a chore. If anyone needs a forearm workout...this is it).
So instead of doing all that, I am living in Guelph. At least this year I have the comfort of having good tenants. But I am getting tired of being the landlord, of fixing everything that doesn't work properly, of making sure that all jobs are done on the wheel, and of overseeing that the house is clean and kept in good repair. To kill wasps, and make gardens, do landscaping, shovel snow and all those things associated with owning a house.
The downside is that I am doing all this.....for other people. I live with 5 others. And even though this crew is older, more mature, and respectful, they still wouldn't wash the floor if needed, or take the stove elements apart and clean them too. Or any other small thing that one does for their home. Like even though they can mostly clean up after themselves, I still feel like the house mother who supervises. I would like my own place, where I can clean as I need to...or just keep things clean the way I want them, and not have to worry about anyone else messing it up again. So I can have things the way I want. Paint the colours I like, have furniture that I want and like and that is new and not hand-me-down. So I can put my books in a bookshelf of my own. ALL of them. Organize my movies the way I like. *Have all my things together in one place. That I can call my own*
Instead, I have to wait out the housing market, and stick it out here, in this place. Which, isn't totally bad. I'm just tired of living with strangers, of meeting new housemates, year after year....of worrying if I can fill the house for next year and whether or not the people I've selected are decent. The stress of things breaking down, and not working right, and having the pressure to get them fixed as soon as I can, when I'm used to trying to fix it myself to save money.
I'm just tired of being on my guard everywhere I am. Of not being able to just let go and feel whatever I feel. Of being able to come home and remove the mask of whatever fake emotion I was wearing that day. Maybe I just want to be able to walk around my house in my undies without worrying that someone will see and being self-conscious about it.
So because I'm here in Guelph for who knows how long, I keep the job that I have for security, because I know it well. I'm afraid of looking for a job in my field, whatever that may be, because I don't want to limit myself to the area that I currently live, because that's not where I particularly want to stay. But I also don't want to just take any job that strikes my fancy for the moment, because the one I have is VERY secure and I like benefits. I like the steady paycheque, and though I don't think I make enough...or as much as I should, it could still be worse, and I don't want to give up that steady wage for something less.
Because it's still all just temporary. I'm living.....temporarily.
But the truth is, if I wasn't stuck in this house, or this city, or this job, I would have nothing to hide behind, and nothing else to blame for why things were not going right. I have no idea what RIGHT is. I don't know what is right for me, or what I should do, or what I want to do with my life, or what career I want, or even my interests about what I might like.
I have absolutely NO idea what to do with my life. So I have a few hobbies. Perhaps. Sometimes. But nothing at the moment can hold my attention for very long. Nothing interests me much. I feel bored and upset and discouraged and tired all the time. I am in a community band. I play clarinet. Last year I succeeded at achieving the third 1st clarinet spot. Which, at the present time, is as high as I can get. But this....means that I have to practice that much more, to make myself feel deserving of that spot. And to make sure that the Maestro doesn't feel like there is someone who can do it better than I can, and demote me.
It's a real struggle. And Thursday nights, though not yet dreaded, are not looked upon favourably, because I just can't play as well as the other two 1st clarinetists. I feel like I'm always fighting....to be better than the other players, and sometimes to just keep up. I'm having real trouble keeping up. Last night I felt like I was fading. Failing, getting worse, sounding worse. My sound was horrible, my high notes were sharp, and I was starting to squeak. And though I could comment slightly on my bad sound, I did not have the humble-ness to ask for help. I hate asking for help. I would much rather try to figure it out myself. Then, as a last resort, to ask someone. I also have this large fear of performing for someone and having them judge me and tell me all that I'm doing wrong. Even though logically, that would be an excellent stepping point to finding out what to do right.
But I do think I need a new mouthpiece. I think I'm trying way to hard with this one....and it shouldn't be that hard. But it could be the new reed I'm working in, or the new clarinet that I'm still adjusting to.
I'm really hoping I just need to adjust to all the new things, and that sometime in the near future, with lots of practice, I will not suck.
But it is going to be a lot of painful work and I'm not looking forward to that. My regular activities are growing dull. And I have no interest to get out and be social. Or to try anything new. Or desire to do anything. I am so lost. And I don't know how I got here. And I have no idea how to get out. I'm just in a tunnel so dark, I can't see my hand in front of my face. And so the safest thing for me to do is to just stand there, and not do anything. But my mind just freaks out, and society screams at me to figure it out and grow up and just DO something. Because that's what we do. But I'm just too scared and lonely and tired and lost and dull to be able to unlock myself. In the past four months, I have seen my heart and soul broken, and then mend itself to stop the epic loss of self. But the mending, was only a bandaid. And now it's full, and my self is seeping out again. With the loss of my boyfriend, I lost who I was. And now it's sinking in that I didn't just lose a boyfriend, who didn't love me, I lost the person I though was my best friend, confidante and protector (and he wasn't any of those things either). I'm learning that he couldn't have cared much about me, for all the concern he's shown me since we split. He said he'd always care about me and if there was anything he could do to help, he would. But he doesn't talk to me. Doesn't call, text or even freaking facebook message me. And I really feel the smart from his rebound with another girl. That he's moved on with his life and forgotten about me, even though he was adament that we could stay friends. I'm trying to hold on to a man who never loved me, in the hopes of nothing....nothing more than friendship. And that friendship, I wonder how much he values it. I hear nothing from him.......and it breaks my heart a little more, slowly coming to realize that I was the unloved one. Feeling so sorry for myself. But really....not caring about anything. Lonely and in need of a good companion. Needing to be loved. The way I never was. But knowing that will never happen, so long as I'm like this.
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My spark, that is. That, whatever you call it, thing, that keeps you going. That spurs you on, makes life fun, makes you want things, look forward to things, have things to look forward to. Or events, or maybe just a state of being. I don't know. Because I don't know what that thing is anymore. I've lost it and have no idea what I need to get it back. I may have just lost the desire to keep going.
The passion, or hell, ANY emotion other than the black hole type. Still not having any clue as to what I want out of life. And....no more ideas of things to try. I'm out.
It's like I just don't CARE about anything anymore. I'm just going through the motions of life, being social because people want me to be, doing activities because everyone else has activities that make them happy. I'm not, excited for anything. I don't get excited about anything. I'm underwhelmed with the whole freaking world and I want it to just all go away. This stupid-ness. This society. That I can't do anything about or change to suit my preferences.
I just have to live in it. Even though it makes me miserable. Even though I feel like I'm running a loop, doing the same things over and over again and expecting my life to go in a different direction. I do the same things, am seeing the same people, have the same routine. And I hate it. Nothing changes. Life still sucks. I can't answer the question "how are you, really?" honestly, because I have NO IDEA. I'm indifferent to life. And that is not good.
But I don't know if I even care. I have no goals. Nothing to work towards. Nothing that I really want. I just exist. I don't know what will make me happy. Where do you start when you have no clue?
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So even though I didn't go to work at all this week, holidays are not what they seem. And I could have had the worst week...in a while. The one good thing of the week is that I have filled one room in my house. And am so only looking for one more house-mate. yay. Hopefully one of the girls that came by today...sigh. It's crunch time! The rest of the time was spent: slogging through episodes of Alias....which, is good, I guess. But we just can't stop!!!! One episode turns to 2, then 3, then 4, then we go until we get to one with a decent ending....which is not that often, if you've ever seen the show. And arguing with the parents over stupid things, and being un-inspired for anything. and for the weather to be just shitty enough to not want to do anything outside. Then my sister and I decided to finally go to Wonderland, since we'd gotten season's passes and everything...we decided that we should make it worthwhile. That was Thursday. Which was a nice day. Which was BAD. First, the car we chose to drive overheats JUST BEFORE we get to the gates for parking. So we have to shut the car off (it's steaming at this point, and you can HEAR the radiator boiling over) and hope that it will start again, not knowing exactly what's wrong with it and if we should even try it, in case moving it more would make the problem worse. So we sit for almost an HOUR...then turn the car on, and get it through the gates and parked so it can sit for the whole afternoon and cool. Then we go to get our passes processed....and that line is about 45 minutes long. That's just to get INTO the park. And so started the standing in lines. UGH. I couldn't imagine only getting a day pass, and having to wait in lines that long. SO RETARDED. and we didn't even stay to the end, so that we could beat the cars out of the parking lot, since our car was being stupid! So we put oil in it, called home, and figured that nothing was actually leaking, that as long as we kept moving, we should be fine....and to idle it at stop lights (standard). So we get out and things are ok. Then we get onto the 400. Bad idea. Stop and go traffic through 2 km of construction, and NO option to get off. So I started to panic and we barely made it through, but then that was fine. Dad figures the fan temperature sensor has crapped out again. Then Friday. I puttered around for a while, so that mom could do other projects, which was mindless. Cus mom is very unorganized...and is a pack rat. Bad combination. So when we decide to clean up one room, she has to sort everything and find places to put everything we're displacing. It's infuriating....saving things she's never going to use or need ever again. We get her stuck on a task, then go out to 'attack' our completely untrained 10 year old pony: and cut her toenails. We've never properly trained her to pick her feet up, and only have been half-assed picking them up in the past year. and clipping the overgrowth while she stands in mud. Sad, yes. We have tons of excuses. But we needed to get to it, and before we have a vet in, because they were getting to the point of looking like she was neglected. However, since she was born on our farm, we've pretty much hand raised her and she is TOTALLY bomb proof. She is afraid of nothing. So when she finally got the message of, oh, you want me to pick it up and hold it up? then it was only a matter of her trying to get her balance...by hopping around....not kicking at all. Which was funny. My sister has been working at her front feet pretty diligently, so she was really good for those, and they weren't in too bad of shape anyways. I just tried to do enough so that it would make her better for next time. Then the back feet. They've never been clipped before. But she finally got the message, and was able to balance, and got tons of praise, and treats afterwards. And she didn't even take that long to do! Only an hour and a half. Which is fantastic. I think my friends think I'm crazy for keeping in touch with my ex. And they may very well be right. But I can't. Not totally. And it was probably a good decision. Friday afternoon he asks if I can meet him...we'd been trying for a few weeks to find time for each other. Which is infinitely harder to do when you don't see someone every week, and when I work weekdays, he works most weekends, and we have separate lives again. He had to re-arrange things, so had time for me. But not much time. But enough time to be glad I didn't cut him out...and for him to tell me: we have something serious to talk about: something that I can't do anything about right now, but that I'm freaking out about anyways. So whenever I get okay again, that maybe I can do this thing we call life....something else is thrown in my way and I cry myself to sleep again and again and again. And I need a hug. And a shoulder to cry on. And I want desperately to talk to someone about it, but there's no point right now. I am not mad that he broke up with me. I am mad that he is happy, and I am not. I am unhappy because he is happy. I'm upset that he doesn't regret breaking up. He doesn't feel badly. And though he told me he'd be there if I needed anything, he's moved on. He has his own life, and I'm not sure there's any room in it for a friend (and ex) like me. He can't be there the way that I need. I can't count on him, because he's moved on. I can't just be satisfied that it just didn't work, that he just didn't love me...but that we could work it out to be friends. I feel like I'm stepping on eggshells around him. That I don't want to bring him down, but that I do! I want him to see how hurt I am and for him to care enough to tell me that I'm great. So that I don't feel so rejected, so cast aside. He just doesn't have time to make sure his ex is okay and it makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to keep in touch.
It's just a loaded question...asking how I am. And he should know that. But we can't be as close as we were. Somehow we have to find a mutual distance...common ground to stick with. I'm not sure there is such a place. |
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His name is Adam. We used to be co-workers. And we'd joke around at work, play around, and make inappropriate comments to each other. And he's really cute. And a sweetie. And in the crisis of my life, after almost blubbering to him on the phone that I was going to a wedding of high school sweethearts, getting the invitation less than a week after I was broken up with, the invitation saying me plus 1, and I just can't face it on my own, and I need someone to go with me. To be my, best friend for the day. Someone, cute, and charming. And so I asked him. And he said he would. And I remind him about it a week or so later, and he still remembers. And he's still good with going with me.
Because I need him. And he's my friend, and he will be there for me.
So he is my Hero.
For making me feel worth it.
For getting up at 5 am so he can drive to the airport to pick me up.
For being my date for a wedding I can't do alone.
For being the one I can talk to about things I can't talk to anyone else about.
For having a shoulder that can bear the weight of my tears.
For hugging me with two arms, wrapped around me so that I feel safe.
He makes me feel safe. Like I am loved. And I suppose he does love me....but only as a friend. It's a shame how that goes sometimes. However, at this wedding, I will not say anything about him. No explanation other than, he's my hero.
Let them all think about that. Yes. Best friend for the day indeed. In other news, James is moving away. My little brother. My little....very tall brother. We chide like siblings....and in another life maybe we were. And I will miss him.
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I sucked it up. I put those things together, put them in my car, and called him. Well, texted, actually. And we found some spare time. Last night I went over to his place to give him his stuff back. And I guess really also to get an explanation, even though it doesn't change things, and could have potentially made me feel worse. So we went for a ride in my car. And it was not as awkward as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, there were tons of things that I wanted to say, to ask, but I waited until I wasn't driving to do it. I didn’t want him to have to explain himself, but he did anyways. He just didn’t love me. Not at all. I fell head over heels for him, and he didn’t love me. He said he tried, that he wanted to, but after 6 months, he still didn’t love me, so he decided not to waste any more of my time. It was the hardest decision he had to make, because he could have just stayed with me, married me and lived a lie. Instead he chose to break my heart. Now he says he has a girlfriend. He met her two weeks ago, and started dating her last week. And he tells me that he loves her. And that she feels the same way. That they haven’t talked about it, but they don’t need to.
But *sob.* It’s so very over. And he’s moved on. And he didn’t love me. And I’m alone. Again.
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alone |
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The car, I mean. Yesterday I put a down payment on a brand new, 2010 MUSTANG coupe. Not even kidding. This car, to be specific. Because I can. And I am going to love it. And something will be good in my life. Just as soon as I can actually have it. And drive it. In the good column, I can hold myself together for at least one day, so long as I just think about that day and not think about the past or the future. Both of those are still too scary. I have successfully compartmentalized. Which is probably not good for my soul. However, since my soul is so broken anyways.....maybe locking it in a box with itself for a while will calm things down. This gives me something to focus on. Something other than the perfect guy that wasn't. Oh yeah. And my Dad is mad at me because I haven't said anything about aforementioned boy, and our failed relationship. Instead, my nosy cousin on facebook noted my status, told her mother (my aunt), who in turn asked my parents about it. And they didn't have any answers. Because I can't talk about it to them yet. I can't deal with the...awww....why not? what happened?????? Because I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. One minute I think he likes me, the next he's breaking up with me because we're not a good match, because we don't have enough things in common. And I don't understand it. I don't know why that was a good enough reason. But then, I haven't asked him. Because I'm not ready to talk to him. I haven't put him out of my mind enough to be able to objectively ask why. I'm still too emotionally involved to be able to see it from his side.
Someday, I want to be able to talk to him. I think we could still teach each other things about life. But my heart is so crushed now....that I have to tell myself that I am not allowed to see him or talk to him because of the further damage he may do. Though I don't know if that is possible.....people are telling me that it is. And I don't think I can endure more pain.
Ok. bed time. Another week to get through.
Am calling in sick again on Friday. Don't tell on me. |
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So against my own judgement, and with the judgement of my friends who have lived through the hell that is "the breakup"....I removed aforementioned ex-boyfriend from msn and facebook. Like a good girl who listens to her friends when they tell her that 1) it's torture knowing what's going on in their lives 2) It royally sucks when they move on, and then tell you about it...and you feel like a bandaid has been repeatedly ripped from your heart and 3) facebook is the devil. And though I agree with them, and it probably is a good idea, it's still hard. It took me almost 5 minutes to actually delete from facebook. But in one way....if you meet them in person somewhere...run into them, it's like...well, shit happens and you can exchange minimal pleasantries and then go on your way. With facebook, it's like learning details about their new life that you really shouldn't care about. Things that don't concern you any more because they are not a part of your life anymore. Because I have to make him not a part of my life. I don't know. Because I think he and I could really use one another as a friend. We would definitely be better people for having the other in our lives. But perhaps that would only work if we hadn't dated. I don't know what to do with this. I want to have him around. I want his company, and the way that I can just tell him anything. And it's never going to be the same. I don't think I'll feel so comfortable around him. I don't know how well we would do as friends, because the desire to make things work is gone. I really tried. I really wanted to make this one special. I thought there was possibility in it. And I fell for him. I just did. There wasn't any logic to it, no reason in particular. I just knew he was a keeper, and I was going to do my damnest to keep him. And now I'm sitting here alone, thinking of what I wanted to happen, and wondering if I'll ever find someone as great as him. Or will I look back on my life and say, he was the best I ever had. And I let him break up with me. But then, he obviously wasn't happy. And I couldn't make him happy. I couldn't satisfy him. And so...I will always believe that I wasn't enough. Unless I give him the chance to prove me otherwise. The leap is too far. It's too much to expose myself with to have it fall even more apart. I am so broken. So many little pieces. That scattered all over the place. Tiny little pieces that are too little to see. Too little to find and put back where they belong. I'm trying to at least gather as many as I can. But I have no glue. And nobody to hold pieces while I add more. I will never be the same. It will be so hard. Trust. With anyone. If I just keep everyone at arms' length, they can't get into my inner circle and hurt me like this again. Then I'll just be lonely. But I guess I'm used to that. Lonely is my thing. I should be used to it. It's familiar to me. You know, that dull ache inside. I suppose I just want that to come quickly. I'd so much rather be lonely than feel this. Rejection. Loss. Inadequacy. Hurt. Pain. Total and utter failure. Blinded by love, then blindsided by it. Much better the ache than this stabbing pain that just grabs me from nowhere, and consumes me. It sucks me into the huge black space and won't let me out. Like I'm drowning and can't swim. Hurts. So. Much. I want it to stop hurting. And I just don't know what I can do to make it stop. My thoughts are just revolving around him. And my mind has this teeny idea that if I talked with him, I'd figure out why. I'd know, and he'd tell me his reasons. He'd have good reasons too. More. More explanation for it. Put my mind at rest. Knowing is better than just wondering, or trying to put pieces together??? I mean, it's over. There's no more possibility. But at this point, I don't think he could make me feel worse about myself. About the situation. Can he? I just don't know how to shut him out. Because I fucking think about him for almost every second of every day. And though I can hold myself together when there are people around, I'm really not listening. I'm in my own little world, because that's all I can do. I'm sorry to everyone. I just don't have any energy left to care. This hurt consumes me. Sometimes it takes my breath away. It makes me stop and have to reach out and hold something because I can't hold myself up. How I lean against, then slide down walls, and crumple into a heap, because it just takes me over. And then I cry until I have no more tears left. Until I can't breathe. Until I have to tell myself to stop so I won't die from the lack of oxygen reaching my brain. Sometimes I have to tell myself to get a grip, and calm down, so that I can actually sleep. Because I have to sleep. I have to get up and go to work every day. I have to continue to do things that I've been doing all along.
Just because I have to. For no other reason than that. And I don't know why I have to. But I do.
Maybe for my mother. Because I couldn't leave her with more hurt of losing a child. I keep going for my mom, because I can't imagine the hurt that would cause her. And that's the only reason I can come up with at the moment.
So that's what I'm going for right now. Because that's a good enough reason. So I endure...and it's all I can do to hold it together.
Current Mood: |
depressed | |
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Though I still think that I wasn't enough for the relationship to last..he seems to think otherwise. And I can't hate him. Because I love him. And it still hurts like hell everytime I even think about him, or something I did with him, or a stupid song on my playlist that reminds me of something. I posted on facebook that I just wasn't enough. And within a day he sends me a message to the contrary. He says that he still thinks I'm a wonderful person and a beautiful woman. Which makes me cry. But that we just didn't have enough common interests to hold us together. That we were too different. And I want to scream out, is there such thing as too different???? And were we really that different? I didn't think we were. But in some way, I don't think he ever really opened up to me enough for me to find things that we did have in common. We were still just getting to know one another and it's not fair that he put that label on us. And that I can't change his mind, or prove him wrong. And then he said that it was him that wasn't ready for a relationship...that it was a bad time for him. And I want to know, why didn't he talk to me about things?? DId he just not want this to work, so he kept things hidden so that he could trot them out later when he needed an excuse? And apparently he thinks there's a man out there who will love me like I deserve to be loved. Which means that a) he didn't love me the way that he thinks I should be loved b) he isn't that guy for me and c) he's just the latest in my complete string that have said that to me. There's someone out there for you. It's not me, but he's out there. Well eff. I mean, what if I never find this person? If they live in Africa, I'm pretty sure that I'm not just going to 'run across them'. And it's another stab to my heart that of course. I loved him more. Because it is always that way. In a relationship, one person always cares more than the other....and some people make it work anyway, and that doesn't matter. But we couldn't. Or, I couldn't. I don't know what he was thinking. Oh, and that his door is always open for me, and that he's here if I need him....which is kind of ironic. He's the one that hurts me and still he wants to be there for me. I mean, there's no way he can possibly make me feel better. There's no way that he can undo this hurt he caused me. It still hurts like I got my heart cut out with a spoon. Scoff. There's someone out there for you. How many times have I heard that? There’s someone out there for you. It’s not me, but don’t worry, he’s out there. But what if I never find this person? What if he is out there, but chooses the other girl, the one that came first….not me? What if he passes me by and I don’t know that it was him? Or what if he just doesn’t cross my path and I’ll just be left here alone, just like I always am. They always say, you’re a great girl, a good person, but they never say that they want to be with me. I’m good, but not good enough for them. I’m not right for them. There’s too much that’s different between us. We don’t have enough interests, things in common. But where am I going to find someone like that? I mean, I’m stuck here, in this city that I’m starting to hate, doing a job that I can do, but that I don’t really enjoy doing. Just because it’s easy for now. It’s something that I can do, and I’m just too lazy to go out and try to find another, more suitable job. Because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what kind of job would make me happy, or what would at least make me satisfied. And because I don’t know any of that, I just sit and continue my life along this path I do not want to take, just for the meantime. And then it turns into more than that, because I want a car. And then I’ll want independence from my parents, as I think more and more that I don’t want to live at home with them anymore. I don’t know if I could deal living back there, under their roof, with their rules, and their messes and their lists of things to do. But I have no other plan. All I can think about now, is getting through tomorrow. I can’t think of the future any more, because it scares me. Being alone, and not knowing what I want to do with my life, or how to get to a better place, or at least closer to doing things that I enjoy. One little piece of my sketch of life was erased, or cut out, and now I don’t know what to do with the rest of the pieces. They don’t fit together anymore. And it’s not worthwhile trying to figure out how I can make it work. I’ve just got to start a new sketch. And that scares the hell out of me. I don’t know where to start. Writers’ block, if you will. I’m back to not knowing. Not having a clue. And right now, I’m too hurt and damaged by the blast to know what to do with myself. I have no idea how to find the scattered pieces of my life and try to make something out of it. And I don’t know if I want to. How long can I last just thinking day to day? How long until it consumes me and I just don’t give a damn anymore?
I can feel myself compartmentalizing my life now. I can feel myself putting my emotions into a little box and closing that box up. I haven't made a lock and key yet...but that will come. And I know it's not healthy. I know it is bad to keep things locked up inside. Especially things like this. But I can't just fall apart every day. I can't just cry all the time. Even though that's really all I have any energy for anyways. And it takes so much out of me. It's all I have right now, is my pain. And I guess that tells me that I'm human. But it still fucking hurts. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through it.
On another note: I wondered whether I should continue on birth control...because I will not be actually needing it anymore. I can't even imagine being with someone else, fling or otherwise. Because I'm not the girl who has flings, and I don't want anyone except him. And that's not going to happen. You know, you get those half second moments, where you think, if we just talk, if we just are together, we can make it work again. Either that or those, I just want one more great fuck. Like you need it.
But you also know that would be so damaging to your soul.
You can't even think of possibilities at this point, because there is none. It's over, and I can't do anything to fix it. It's really over and that's it. Even though you never want to admit that to yourself, you want to believe that someday, he'll grow up, change his mind, miss you too much, need you too much, and will want you back.
But from what he said, I don't think there will ever be more. He'll never come back to me. He'll never want me again. It's over. Over. Over. Over. Over. Over.
I have to keep telling myself this. That it's Over.
Because it is. He's never going to be the one for me. I'll never have him back. I just wish I could believe he isn't THE ONE.
Current Mood: |
crushed | |
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Where to begin? At the beginning of course. So I dated this guy. He’s a great person. I love spending time with him and it doesn’t ever matter what we’re doing. He likes my family, and his seem to accept me pretty well. The sex is incredible, and he’s teaching me how to trust again. People tell me that they really like him, they think he’s a keeper. That ‘you’re gonna marry this guy, right?’ To which I said, I really hope so. And things were great. Then there was this little blip, an irrational thought on his part, which he voiced out loud, and scared the hell out of me. So much so that I started crying in front of him. And I couldn’t calm myself down. Couldn’t sleep, or stop crying. Which, for the record, nobody sees me cry. If you have, you’ve seen the ultimate opening of my soul, something that I don’t let anybody into, that lets them see me in my most vulnerable state, something that I want to hide from the world. People see me as the strong one, the one who can hold themselves together. And of course this is only the image I show to the world. To others, I may seem cold hearted, or that I don’t care. But it’s only to protect myself from someone being able to get close enough to hurt me. So when I actually start caring about someone enough to let them into my circle, and then to hear them say ‘you didn’t see that we wanted different things out of life?’ it definitely caught me. I found out how much he actually matters to me, and caught a little bit of what he was thinking. This will be important later. And then things were weird for a week, then back to normal. Great, as usual. Sex and otherwise. And I thought we were great. We were able to talk to each other about things that were bothering us. Mainly, him being a guy with an extremely high sex drive, he needs attention. And lots of it. I, being someone with very few sexual partners, and even less experience in the bedroom, coupled with having a shy personality, and being raised in a household that doesn’t talk about such matters, while having a first boyfriend in my early past that made me uncomfortable about some things sex related, I am just learning. I’m trying to figure things out, I want to figure it out, but I just don’t have that much of an imagination. Before him, I never really had a good enough experience to warrant much thought about it. And he thinks, that because I don’t think of sex very often, that I’m not really that interested and won’t be able to keep up with him. As if, we’re on two very opposite sides of the sexual spectrum. And I’m willing to do whatever I have to, to change however I need to, in order to keep him. Because I’ve fallen for him. That was last week. A few weeks ago, I get sick. Probably a complicated UTI, which I really didn’t think it was for a week….then found out it was and got medicine for it. So that means that I felt too horrible for sex the first weekend, and the second weekend I was waiting to get in to see the Dr the next week. The sex drive talk, that was the second weekend, when I still wasn’t feeling better enough to do anything about it. To prove that I was interested, that I am still excited for the weekend, to come and see him on Friday nights for our usual romp and dubachery. Because everything invariably leads to sex. Which is great. That’s a good thing. So I decided that I needed to change. I needed to think about it consciously, that I needed to be able to keep up with him. Because that’s what he needs. But looking back now, his use of words…..I should have known. He said that he needed someone who was excited to see him, excited for the weekend, someone who couldn’t keep their hands off him. That he needs that attention. So I logged that note under: things to do next time I see him, and every time. I should have filed it under: CAUTION: he didn’t say YOU. He didn’t say that he wanted ME to be excited for the weekend, for ME to want to touch him. I should have known. So that was Sunday night, after him being frustrated with me all weekend because I was waiting for him to initiate, because I’m just too much of a chicken. I came back Monday night, with a Dr.s appointment the next day, and he was in a great mood. We cuddled like old times, and as much as I dared fool around in bed, without complicating it with sex….and I was confident. I was trying to change. Trying to make sure that I could please him, not thinking about myself at all. And I thought that it was possible. So then Friday. I didn’t go to the ranch, instead I finished cleaning my shower, then spent time shaving and showering and making sure I had a cute outfit to wear over to his place, to surprise him with whatever. So that I could prove that I can keep up with him. He was going to make me food. Then I get there, and he’s in the house, waiting for me, says there isn’t much, but makes me up a plate of spaghetti anyways. He’s quiet though. Different. Non committal. Trying not to say very much while I’m eating. So then we go out to the loft, and as soon as we come in the door, I could almost see the weight on his shoulders. He sits down on the couch, I take off my coat and shoes, and walk over to sit next to him…and he says that he has something he wants to talk about. And my heart does this flip. A bad one. Like, it just catches a glimpse into the future and lets me know, that’s how it’s going to hurt after this. And I tell him, uh oh, my heart just did this little flip…and he says: well, it should. Oh fuck. It takes him a minute to collect his thoughts, and figure out what to say first. So ok. I have no idea what’s coming. What he said was a little bit at a time, so that I could process every part…either that or collect myself enough so that I could actually listen to what else he needed to say. It wasn’t long though. He said: I can’t be your boyfriend. He wants to be able to see other people, and he knows that’s not what I want. It just doesn’t feel right. And that he’s been had this feeling for the last month or so. Oh, he feels terrible for saying it. That he’s sorry. So I listen. I choke back tears and try to think of something productive to say. And there’s nothing. And he looks over at me, and I look back at him, and he’s giving me the saddest little puppy dog eyes ever, a look that says he’s sorry to be the one to cause me pain, but that I needed to hear it, and that he’s not going to be able to comfort me. So I ask what do you want me to say? There’s nothing I can say that will change this. After a little while of me trying to get a hold of myself….finally I’m able to choke out: Ok. I’m gonna go then. And I get up, put on my coat, collect my bag, get shoes on, and start down the stairs and he says: do you want your things? That’s when I really clued in. I said: I guess…and started shaking. He had to come down the stairs to give them to me, but I just couldn’t look at him. I just couldn’t. So I left. As I closed the door, he came down the stairs, and when I turned to walk away, he was watching, but he still just locked the door behind me. So I ran. And this time, he didn’t follow me. He didn’t call me, he didn’t text me. And he still hasn’t. I don’t think he will. So it’s over. I just wasn’t enough. |
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So. Uh. Right. Work is....work. We have a new pharmacist. again. But I think she's good. Hopefully they're not looking to have her replace my boss any time soon....but it will be okay. I hope. But I still feel like it's too much work, and not enough money. OOOOHHHH. Work saga: So we went to fingerprint punch clocks. Which we hate. Cus you have to remember to punch in and out, there's no more leaving early at the end of the day cus you didn't take all the breaks you are allotted. So we are learning to make sure we take all the breaks that are allotted to us. because we're entitled. and because the company will take off a half hour for lunch even if you don't take it, so you might as well say, fuck them, and not go crazy and take your breaks while they force you to stay for your whole shift. Every day. And then you find out that the managers now in charge of paying you, that they don't know whether they have to add your premium (for working as a pharmacy technician). and then you get paid, and find out that yes, they have to add that. so they fix it and say it will be good for next time. Except that it isn't good next time. The next time I get paid premium less than half of what I regularly get paid...let alone be double to account for the last two weeks missing. Oh yeah. lest I forget that in the meantime, my boss' boss comes in and cus head office interprets this point in our union book, they decide that they're over paying me....and that they're going to take away 30 cents /hour. To which I am completely floored...and am left to mull that over...I get ready to raise hell with the union...and she calls back to say that they were wrong, and I was right....that the one column in the wage grid no longer exists because it's been upgraded to the new column. However, she neglected to mention this amendment to the one who approves my hours.....and so the result: my paycheque being stupid. Again. So I've been promised it will be fixed for this one.....I get paid tomorrow.....hopefully. and I am tired. I need sleep and I have too much to say and not enough energy to say it at the moment. Perhaps tomorrow at work. Yeah. Perhaps. |
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With this car: http://www.trader.ca/powerpage/details.aspx?vlotid=262890&adid=7188134I have no idea how to not make the url show, but when you click the word, it just goes. Anyways....I am in love. I just want to find the red book value of this car, because I know the dealer is asking too much for it....as most dealers do. Road trip anyone? To get to the car. Dealer's in Ottawa...ish. Also. On another front....I think I am actually in love....with a person, not a car.....even though I do really want that car. Sigh. That is all. |
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Mk. This is for The Man. You know who you are. Soon it will be that I don't hate Tuesdays so much. However, in return, I will not be liking Wednesdays, because my boss' boss decided to be an ass and not give him his time off in the summer. So, for spite, he unbooked his Wednesday shifts in March. Means that I get retarded Pharmacists where I should be paid their wages and they should get nothing. I anticipate the worst, so that I'll actually be prepared when it happens. And sometimes when you think they can't get any worse.....BAM! They do. And you wish you had the other asshole back. But.
Work is work is work.
OOh. They've put in a fingerprint punch clock, which we're going 'live' in March as well, so that means no more leaving early for me. But, I will make life miserable for those who have to deal with the system when we go live. Because I disagree with the whole concept. But that's just work bitching. Work wouldn't be complete without something to complain about. Basically the company is saying that it's employees are an expense, that we don't matter, and that we shouldn't make sure the customer gets the best service we possibly can give. They're saying, no, we don't want you to go above and beyond, we don't want you to help out your fellow employees. And I want to fight that. I have a moral issue with doing things or not doing things that are going to make work harder for my co-workers. But, I may not have any choice. I think I'll make some cards....business cards with head office # on it, with a phone line supplied, so that people can feel free to call and complain that service sucks because the company tells me I MUST take a coffee break in the morning and a 15 minute seista in the afternoon, as well as my unpaid lunch. (drinking coffee optional).
OOOKKKK.
Um.
I posted the available rooms on the cannon. Some interest already....we'll see. I hate this part. Telling people the same thing over and over. I kind of thought of making it open house like. Say: Come by for the tour and spiel at 2pm on Saturday or Sunday. So I can save time. I'm hoping for some boys, honestly. I don't know how I would fare in a house full of girls. Even though three of us are older and 'mature'....mostly, that is.
I am realizing that with Tara going to the other side of the world, and Tiffany working on finding an internship next year....I might just be all alone in Guelph next year. That seriously scares me. I think I might go crazy if that happens. Maybe the cats will help in that department. I dunno. But that's not here yet. Sigh.
Uh....I get holidays this year. So I have to decide when I want time off. And I'm going to take some sick days sometimes, just so I can get things done. Like eye appointment, where I will ask about lasik...thank you Owen for it being successful, to spur me on. Even if the only reason is so that I can look over at my alarm clock and read the time. Or the dentist. Or make a snip snip appointment for my rambunctious tween kitten. Sigh.
And since my birthday is on a sunday, I don't have to waste my 'personal holiday' day on that....i'll take the day after...which is probably more important anyways....hangover recovery.
Weakerthans in April. woot.
Band: I have been invited to be the 'fill in' first clarinet player. So that when the regular firsts are not there, I step up. Hopefully they will realize that they need me there all the time....and I can shed the stigma of being a second clarinet. I enjoy the challenge. It pushes me to work harder and gives me something to aspire to. And I am getting better. I can hear it. I am getting back into it.
And the Boy.
My dad said yesterday, you know that we think this one is a keeper. This is in addition to the several occassions of Tara: you're gonna marry this guy, right?
And I know it's too soon to try to look that far ahead.
But we are. We sometimes talk about the future without really knowing we're doing it and it feels completely comfortable. Even though....two weeks ago happened. Oy.
Right. So we're cuddling in bed on Sunday night, at about 2am...after really great sex, and I'm just settling and falling asleep. And he starts in with: My best friend lives in Vancouver and his mom has been thinking about moving back to Ontario, which means that he'd have to give up the really great apartment, or find a room-mate to help with rent. Then he says that if that happened, he'd move back out to Vancouver.
Really long story short: I say that I don't want him to move to Vancouver, he goes into his reasons. I turn away cus I don't want him to see me cry (which surprised me that I let myself cry in his presence). And then he wants me to speak my mind, so I do, and he drops the 'you didn't see that we want different things out of life' bomb. And I lose it...just balling, crying so hard it's hard to breathe....thinking that all of a sudden, I knew what a broken heart felt like. It was awful, cus I couldn't leave, couldn't sleep somewhere else, couldn't even leave his room. And he kept saying he was sorry, and wanted to hug me, and take away all the hurt that he caused. I was just so crushed. And no. I didn't see that coming. I mean, I have this little life plan. But there's not much chance of me being able to actually live off that....and it was always the plan I made when I ended up alone, which, until recently, I seriously thought would happen. I never imagined I'd find someone to make it worthwhile, someone who would stick around...who would learn my faults and love me anyway. So I made a plan completely selfishly. Which you have to do when you're always alone. But that doesn't mean that my plan is my ideal plan. No way. It's just my fall back. It's what I'll do if I can't find someone who wants to stay and make something work with both of us. However. I'm easily mold-able. I can change my mind...I can compromise. I want to be in the position to have to compromise. It's more of a challenge and it means that you're not alone. And decisions are made together. That's what I want. It's not about the things I have in the end. It's about who I'll be able to share it with. And I want to share with him. I'm willing to make deals, so that I can be with him.
I don't think we know each other well enough that he would have known that though. Which made it worse that he would say that. Gah. So crushed.
And I sat for a long time, just crying....and after a while, he reached up and pulled me back into bed, and wrapped his arm around me...trying to get me to sleep. I'm not really sure that I did, in my dilerious state of mind.
He also said at some point really really late that: over the past, um, 3 hours, I've realized that I need you in my life. That he said he was sorry.
Anyways. So I had to get up early, and get ready to go to work, on NO sleep, and puffy, cry-ed eyes. and work all day.
So I basically sneak out. I leave him sleeping, get up and ready, and leave. I get to my car, put everything in it, and go to get in, and he comes out. He walks over, says: you can't just run away. I say i have to go. And he looks at me, says: am I ever going to see you again? and wipes a tear from his eye. It took all that I had to say I don't know. And to get in my car and leave him standing in the driveway, watching me go.
It wasn't even two hours later I get a text that says: Jess, I was wrong. and that he wants to come down and talk, whenever I'm ready.
So Wednesday he comes down after work, and we have a heart to heart. He says he knows it was stupid to say that....he didn't really want to move away again, and renting is a dumb idea....and that I was here.
So he broke my heart....and mended it again.
I am falling so hard. And I'm so afraid that if I hold on too tight, he'll slip through my fingers.
So we've patched things....are still together....no expectations, just hope. And both of us have realized that we can't really go without the other. We do need each other. And that tiff showed us. We're more serious than we thought. And it's okay.
So I am good.
Current Location: |
darnell |
Current Music: |
lost - Michael Buble | |
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So yeah. Apparently when things are good in my life, I completely forget to post here and let anyone not in my every day circle know what's going on. Also. I get rather busy. I don't think I can help that though. So. Update. I am still working at stupid Pharma. If the loan doesn't increase, I could be done there by summer?? Otherwise, I will be there until next year. At least. gah. However. Look at this and tell me whether you think it is a good or bad idea: http://www.trader.ca/powerpage/details.aspx?vlotid=98177&adid=7449965Because I am in love. With the car for sure. I just don't know that I could pull together and work on trying to get it like....now. I mean, I suppose I could. I just don't know if I'm prepared yet. But look at it. and then note how much I've loved them since Owen showed me pictures of the upcoming new 2005 models. Moving on.
I don't like my job much. I need a vacation.
But it's so hard to look for jobs when you have one...you said it Adrienne. sigh. It's even harder to think about sorting out your chosen career while working a job you don't intend to keep, but that sucks up all usable hours of the week. Then you have to spend the weekend appeasing the parents and making sure you get in sex in the weekend, cus there's no way it's a good idea during the week...to drive for 2 hours there and back and not really get decent quality time together, cus you have to get to sleep early to wake up early the next day to go to work so that you're not miserable that you didn't get enough sleep. Not worth it. Even though....
I have noted: That when you are having bad sex, it doesn't matter so much and you can go for relatively long periods of time without it.
When you are in a relationship with incredibly great sex: it matters. And mostly, I'm thinking a week is too long. gah.
Uh, other than my job: Band. is hard. I tell myself I need to practice every day. And then I don't. Somehow though, I will get it. And it will be good again. Just not until at least next week. I might just need my own personal drill sargent for that. Ranch. i miss my partner....who is jobless and hunting. Sometimes doesn't have time to come out with us. So I have had to improvise. I still would rather dance with him. *in the process of trying to teach my other half how the two stepping goes. I'm thinking that an actual dance class could be a great idea. If ever we had time, and money, of course. I seem to be busy all the time, and I can't tell you what I've been doing. |
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So. In the span of a week, my perspective has changed completely. I go from happily casually dating a guy I love spending time with, but who I know isn't right for me, to meeting, and going on dates with....well, honestly, perhaps the guy who IS right for me. So I meet this guy on Saturday, as a blind date, he knows only my name, and I only know that "he's a nice guy". Which, he is, for the record. We have a great time then, he calls 2 days later to make plans. I make myself free Thursday evening. He checks Thursday afternoon to make sure we're still good, and I pick him up on my way in, and we go for dinner. Which he pays for, I'm not allowed apparently. He opens doors for me. We decide on a movie at his place, and cuddle up on the couch. And he lets me watch the whole thing, not distracting or anything. Also. I notice sometimes that many guys try to push it, or have trouble remembering that girls are more...delicate, that you've got to keep in mind that it's better to start off gentle and work up to anything else. This one: Gets it. Not that I'm particularly shocked, given his manners, and personality. He tells me that normally he's very quiet and shy. His mother says the same thing. I just see him as he is. It isn't so obvious to me that he's shy, perhaps he's just not that shy with me. And then the movie was over. So how much detail do you want? ***************************************detailed section**************************************************
But not too detailed.
Because I need to have fun.
Anyways.
So perhaps I take his quietness for being calm. Which makes him seem self-assured. Which he is. At least when it comes to making out.
He knows how to breathe in your ear that gives you shivers down to your toes. That holding me close makes me feel safe. Or that touching my face is a good way to say you care. Or that he's actually able to look into my eyes when I'm sitting on his lap in my bra.
I do like when they actually look at you. And when you look back at them, you can see a bit of who they really are, because they're letting you into their world.
I have trust issues with men. And sometimes, it can take a long time for me to open up, for me to allow someone into my little world, or to venture out of my safety into the new realm. But Blake gave me no reason to need a wall, to need that safety net. Somehow, I feel that HE is my safety net, that he'll always hold me up, care for me, and catch me if I fall.
I'm finally learning to trust again.
And he's such a great guy. Really. Each little bit that I learn about him, I like. Things that I get out of him, strikes me, it connects and I find that we have so much more in common. I'm already asking questions about him that might be valuable information for the future. Things that could affect a relationship. Though I have yet to broach the country music, and dancing aspect.....one step at a time I think.
I wonder, with anybody new, whether they'll actually listen, and respect you, and your decisions, when it comes to anything remotely related to sex. Not that I'm such an expert or anything. But I want to know that he cares about what is important to me, especially when he may be more occupied with what he might get out of the deal. I want him to remember that when it boils down, make sure that the woman is comfortable and satisfied with any decision making. Really, I guess it's just: let her make the decision, and he just has to deal with it, and it doesn't matter after that. (because more often than not, it's the guy who's up for anything and the woman who is more reserved).
Case in point: Really I suppose from the moment I let him take off my shirt, that was it for him. He's confident, but not trying to push me into anything. Letting me decide for myself.
I usually practice self control. I am the 'responsible adult'. I make good decisions, where I can deal with the consequences should I so decide on something significant. I want to make sure I'm prepared for any eventualities that could potentially come out of the situation.
But the way he runs his hands over me, so lightly that sometimes I think I'm just feeling the heat from his hands....gah. It wakes me up in a way that I couldn't resist, not even if I wanted to. And damn.
I don't regret my choice for a minute.
Because on the other hand, being the responsible adult all the time, I could miss out on something that might be great. I mean, some people wonder why they waited that extra date, why they held on to their...morals, for so long. So really, I'm done waiting. I've recently learned that you've got to grab life when it comes and enjoy the moment, because we don't know if this is the last moment you'll get.
And jeez, who wants to live only looking forward to the future? Live for today, and you'll have a much better go of it.
So I broke down. I'm all for living for the moment. And the moment was good.
And our conversation, interspersed, was great. I could just talk to him and not worry about whether he would think it odd or that it would turn him off.
I don't think he has an off switch.
Anyways, so that was great. I'm thinking I'd like to keep the good stuff for my own happy thoughts memory bank. *****************************************end detailed section********************************************
Then the morning.
And we cuddled, I didn't have to work. He didn't have to work. And it was snowing. Heaps. Blake and his dad blew out the driveway twice throughout the day. I decided I didn't want to drive anywhere. And we hung out, and installed satellite, and a HUGE tv for his parents. And I chatted with his mom and dad, who Blake described as "hippies". His dad has a Louis L'Amour leatherbound collection....and I think when I tell my dad, he'll be so jealous. His family....is so comfortable. It was almost as if I'd known them forever.
And I stayed Friday night, because the weather was ridiculous.
Except in exchange for my Friday off, I am working Saturday (that's today).
And this morning, it was SOOOO hard getting out of bed. Of leaving his arms, all curled around me, in his fleece sheets. mmmm.
And he said "too bad it will be a while before I can see you" and I told him that I was around next weekend...and he's all for that. So holy jebus.
Somehow this is great.
I only get all turned up when I think about Chris. About how I'm going to have to tell him...and how we will have to do our separate ways. And that I'll probably be hurting one of my closest friends. But he is just my friend. And if he cares about me, he'll understand, right? I know I can't expect him to be happy about it. I just hope he doesn't hate me for it.
sigh. How can I be so satisfied and happy, and yet....kinda upset about the end of something I knew was temporary? I don't get it.
Anyways.
Current Location: |
work on a saturday |
Current Mood: |
 satisfied |
Current Music: |
PPD christmas mix | |
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Really confused. Remember how I was always the one who complained about the fact that guys ignored me? You can forget all that. Against all logic, I am currently seeing this wonderful guy. Who is sensitive, gentle and caring, really cute, great sense of style, who cleans to procrastinate, is always the safe bet, will always do what is right, and never push his luck, and treats me like a princess, who holds my face when he kisses me, is an artist and who I'm sure, loves me. This guy is also a city boy, is a student, in graphic design, is allergic to cats, horses and hay (as we discovered the last two yesterday), and who will always be in need ot fhe fast paced-ness of the big cities. And you all know me. So by logic, this makes no sense. Because there is no way that he could live on a farm, with my animals, and there is no way that I could survive with my sanity intact in any city other than Guelph. And even Guelph is only temporary/short term. And so we may love each other, and be able to make it work at the moment, which we do. But some day, all that's going to change. The life I have will cease to exist as I know it, and I'll be free to do what I've always wanted to do. And for that, I need my farm, my animals. We come from different worlds, and there doesn't exist a world where we can co-exist together. And I'm sure we know that. Even without speaking, I think we realize that this is a "for the moment" type of thing. Because yesterday was the first day I really realized that he'd never fit into the life I'm trying to set up for myself. And that it would be unfair to both of us to try to force the other into our future plans. It's just not going anywhere, even though for the moment, it's good. Enter the friend:
Said friend is staying at my house for the weekend. She also has been invited to her partners' Christmas party. Co-worker doesn't have a date. As previously stated, I have no plans and friend knows this. Bright idea of her/her partner: Let's get me to come, be a date for co-worker, and also be company for aforementioned friend.
Great plan?
Uh.
Make sure partner tells co-worker that I am not entirely single, which he had apparently asked if friend had any single girl-friends.
I'm not sure how much got said to that end.
However. Plan evening:
Co-worker to pick up friend and I. That neither of us has met, and who gets the desriptor: "he's a really nice guy".
Really, I'm more concerned how he treats his mother than I am whether his co-workers think he's a good guy.
Plus, didn't we all grow up being told never to accept rides from strangers?
And I had to give directions to my house (the farm). Which were good, I'm told.
Picks us up. Comes to the door. Really cute. Blue eyes. Fairly tall, but not too tall. Curly hair under really adorable cap.
We are ready, head out and he runs out ahead to open our doors. Not even kidding.
To meet friends' partner: who is not where he said he'd meet us, at the time agreed upon. On to Timmies, where we wait and chat (he and I actually went to the same high school for grade 9 and 10, but never met then).
Meet partner, she goes with him, and we follow to party. Work Party: (they are flight instructors):
People of many ages, that I'm sure do not all mingle and "hang out" together. Needless to say we were probably the life, or most interesting part, of the party. I am always cold, and never remember in the winter, to always dress warmer than I think I'll need to be. So not even 10 minutes after arriving, my date opens his arms for me to cuddle and warm up. We have a great time, alcohol included...for me and my friend. And I.....
I am making quips with my date. And firing them at him at a speed I didn't know I could muster, and he's got a good retort back at me! And when the gifts for the guys are handed out, (matching wind-suits), they get them all to put on their jackets and pose. Then someone has the bright idea of adding, wives, and girlfriends. And I ....am technically only a date. But my friend is also hesitating, then I look over at my date, and he's got his arms out and actually is up for the idea of us being in the photo. So we sneak in, and he skooches me in and puts his arm around my waist, pulling me in close. hmm. Soon after, we were hinted at to go home a few times, pretty early in the evening.
So...'we'll go back to your house!" uh, my house is not my house, and there is my family there.
Second option: my dates' place, not too much farther away.
After splitting to take other co-workers home, my date and I are heading to his place. Roads are crappy, run out of windshield washer fluid and have to go back to Stayner to get some. (not that far, from where we ran out). Then down and across roads that I don't even like to drive in the summer, let alone the winter time. But I'm not driving, and I'm sure it would be a bad idea to get into an accident on a first date.
We make it to his place, get more drinks, and settle in to wait for our 'safety couple'. Which, we didn't need, not really.
I think Aaron is now addicted to Flight of the Conchords, as I was the first time I watched them (stand up, for me, not their show, which is freaking hilarious, especially since I've been to New Zealand (where they are from) and Australia (which they make fun of)).
Again I'm cold, and find blankets, and he gets me an extra pair of socks. Then he sits on the far end of the sofa and pulls me back so that I'm snuggled up into him. And he smells good. And wraps his arm around me. And soon has his other arm wrapped around me.
And our friends appear, and we all climb onto the sofa, girls cuddled in the middle, with our respective dates. And he just wants to have his arms around me. So cute.
Then the boys have to drive us home, and it is decided that we're taking the 4WD vehicle, which means that my friends' partner is driving. And my date, needs to be the navigator to make sure the driver doesn't get lost. (which happened the following day when he was alone).
And I show them as much of the farmhouse as possible at 3am when people are sleeping above us.
I lead my date to another rom to show him the coolest woodstove on the planet, and also to put wood on it, and leave my friend and her guy for their smooches. and also so I can warm up in front of the fire...or, rather by leaning on the stove, which I proved to him doesn't burn your ass.
So I stock the fire, and stand up and half turn towards him, and he reaches out and pulls me to him. Such. Soft. Lips. Mmmm.
And he doesn't push his luck. And he asks for my number. And I tell him that he's already got it on the directions from earlier.
And I don't feel guilty for kissing someone else. Or for liking it. So. Two guys. One is safe, and I know him. And I know that we're not going to end up together, but that we have fun while it lasts.
And the other is new. And unknown. Who has really soft lips that barely touch mine, and then oh so gently runs his tongue along just inside my lip. Never did I believe that I'd be in this situation. And I don't know exactly what I'm going to do.
Because I love the artist. In my heart of hearts, I love him. But I know it's not going to be forever for us. He's my first real love. (I don't count the one who could have been, but I didn't get a chance to find out before he passed away).
And it's good, and a good way to live in the present, and not think about the future.
But when you meet someone new, you have no idea where it's going to go, but you want the option, and the freedom to be able to find out enough about them to decide.
I am not the girl who can string multiple guys along.
I don't want to hurt the artist, but the pilot had potential at this point that I've already eliminated from the artist.
I need to be free to find out if maybe there is somewhere to do with this one.
But I'm also afraid of making a decision, and finding it to be wrong, and not being able to fix anything, or of hurting people I truly care about. That was Saturday.
And yesterday, I found that the artist and I, can't exist together on the plane that I want for myself. And it made me sad.
Then today, I get a text from the pilot. And I'm making plans. Please tell me if I'm being an idiot.
Current Location: |
darnell rd |
Current Mood: |
confused |
Current Music: |
Josh Turner - Angels Fall Sometimes | |
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In my own little world: I am okay. I enjoy the weekends, where I can go home, play with my horsies, cuddle with my kittie, watch movies and laugh with my sisters, where we work to finish projects to make our home better, to make it liveable and self-sustainable, as a family. I also enjoy the weekends because it means Chris. We make time for one another. We didn't see each other for most, if not all of October, and I think the last few weeks we have made up for that oversight and business. He comes to see me. Just because. He doesn't flinch when my friends call him my boyfriend. He agrees to come to a Christmas concert that I am a part of. Instead of carpooling to Guelph, he drives himself thru friday night rush hour traffic so that he can stay the night with me. We go on actual dates, do things together, make plans together. During the week, I feel alone. Even though I never have the house to myself...I still am lonely. Nobody here to talk to, that will listen, or for them to talk to me. Nothing social together. We have nothing in common and I don't care. Mondays are horrible, and I am just glad that work is busy enough to make it go by faster so that I can be away. Tuesdays I also hate, because I have to work the afternoon shift, which starts too early to get anything done beforehand, and ends too late to do anything afterwards. Wednesdays...meh. Thursdays I enjoy because it's band night. Tara and I drive to Orangeville, are geeks and play instruments for 2 hours. We also get free dinner at my parents'. Fridays. Yay. End of the week and Ranching night. Usually the highlight of my week. And all of this, balances me. Sure, I have a job I can't wait to quit. I mostly live in a house that I want to sell. I also don't like my room-mates, for the most part. It's stress that I don't want. But I am stuck. For the moment, this is what I've got to do. Because this is what makes the most sense. Because I'm not going to give up, especially when it's not just up to me, and because it doesn't make any sense to do anything else at the moment.
But it doesn't mean that I have to like it.
I would so much rather be on the farm all the time, working there full time, making things better. Doing what I love, and being able to be training horses, and retraining injured/abused/neglected horses. And every day, I realize that I'd rather be doing that, than anything else.
And I hate this job. I want to quit. Tomorrow. But I'm stuck. And so I deal. For the moment. Knowing that there is something better coming. And mostly, I am okay with that. I'm alive. Surviving. And perhaps having a little fun on the side.
Current Mood: |
calm |
Current Music: |
Pieces: Rascal Flatts | |
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I don't know how much self control I've got at the moment. I'm stuck in this place, that place I'm so scared of, where nothing is going right and there is no end in sight. Nothing to make the day worthwhile. Nobody who can make it all just disappear for a little while. And the first thing I did, was to check to see if Adam was online. Which of course he wasn't. And I'm seeing that Chris and I.....is complicated. And you're all right. I don't know exactly how he feels about me. But...someone who doesn't respond to your text messages within a couple days, or who takes almost a whole day to respond to a facebook message...who bails on seeing you for thanksgiving, doesn't like roller coasters when you do, lives in the city, is allergic to cats, works in the city, has never ridden a horse in his life and which may not be on his list of things to do, who can't tell me that he'll go to the Royal Winter Fair with me because it's something that I care about. But he's so sweet, and when he's around, so caring and understanding. I still can't let him comfort me. And now it's getting to the point where I'm realizing that I don't just want to be his bed buddy when I don't know that there is something more coming from this. I want to know there is potential, that I'm not just screwing around for the hell of it. Which, for the record, is not my style, it is not what I enjoy, nor what I want. Even though maybe some would say that's what I need. I don't care. I don't know if there's something holding him back or some reason for this apparent cold-ness. I always want guys who are not right for me. And the choice of men who actually like me...is even slimmer. My parents made a crack that they'd high five at the wedding of the last child, then revised themselves that they'd do it at the first one, because they thought that at the rate we are going, there will be no weddings/husbands/sons-in-law/grandchild ren. And that fucking stung. Just because I don't have someone that I think is going to work in my life as I want it, doesn't mean that I don't want someone, that I want to be alone. Because I don't want to be alone. I really do want someone. I am just thinking that I haven't found anyone even close. Or that the one I have found, is blowing me off because he can't deal with the core of who I am. I'm a farm girl. I can run a tractor, backhoe, two ton dump truck, and a snowplow. I know how to mix concrete and build walls. I can renovate a house without electrocuting myself or springing a leak in the water lines. I build fences on my days off, and weed a garden bigger than the entire lot of the house in Guelph. We climb trees and cut deadwood out with a chainsaw and some rope. We cut and stack wood to burn in the fire for winter. We fix whatever is broken and get the job done. And in my very spare time, I try to spend time with my horses. I play with them, groom them, pretending I am one of them in the field and we play follow the leader. I ride whenever I think we can get somewhere in their schooling, and my idea of a fun game is to go cutting cattle and team penning. I'm a country girl to the soul. And this living in the city thing that I'm doing right now....I don't know how I'm going to survive it. Don't know how I'm going to put in 2 more years of this. I guess next years' reward is my car, which I tried to cover a few years ago and it didn't work....my dream car, which will be my only indulgence. and I bet it will be the only one, ever, for me. And for all that I love....more and more I think that Chris, couldn't handle that part of me. And I hear it in his voice, in the notes he sends, in the excuses/cop outs/not interested boxes. I don't know that he knows who I really am. Or if he does, if he is getting the idea, he may realize that is me and he doesn't want that. I don't know. I thought this would be great. And now we're too busy to answer text messages. There's just no enthusiasm. I'm losing touch with where I am and where I'm going, and how much it will take to get there. Maybe I was just meant to be alone. Maybe there was only one for me, and Christoff was it, and everyone else is to remember how perfect it was...and ended up not to be.
Current Mood: |
depressed | |
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I think I need some sanity. and I don't know when I will be getting that. Or anywhere close to that. If I don't think about things, they seem to not exist for me. I can put them into a little box to deal with later. But then later sneaks up on me with no warning. And I don't know what to do with it. And I have no idea how to sort out my thoughts. and feelings. I am lost. and I don't know how to get out of this. I don't know how I can fix any of it. I don't know how to work one life, and live another. I almost could live two lives at the same time, but it's even more complicated now. And I just don't know how to fit it all together. It's like I have this puzzle: The life I must live.....to work to make money in order to live. The life I want to live, but that must work to create it, or create a future for this life that I want so badly. And then the one who makes it all have a point. The reason for creating a future life. simply, I suppose it's love. yeah. that's all. It's all that I do, trying to make things work out for me. Right now, I must work to create the life I want, and also work at the part of my life I want to keep. And then I have no time for him. So it makes me think of how he possibly would fit into my plans. And I am completely at a loss. I don't know. I know that it will work if we make it, if we're made for it, and if that's what we want out of it. We will make it, if that's what we set our minds to. However, I have no idea if this is headed that way. I think I would like it to. I would figure something out if it was. I just want to know, so that I know I'm not trying to figure out something that was never supposed to be thought of as a long term idea. I'm really stuck in my plans at the moment, and there are things I must do, and in a certain order. But then there seems to never be enough time to create the answer to 'what for?' When I don't think about him, I can get through the day, the week, the weekend. When I do think of him.....I can't think. It makes me feel, not think. And that scares me. That I am letting go of my control....and letting things feel. so I have a hard time letting go, because I don't know how I can fit him in my life if I'm not thinking about it. I'm so confused and have no idea if I'm just babbling, which I probably am. I don't think I can juggle as well as I've led people to believe.
Current Mood: |
lonely |
Current Music: |
Daft Punk - Alive 2007 | |
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cowgirl_96's journal
distressed
exhausted